Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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