Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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