dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
