i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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