Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
