He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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