i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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