even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
