i just wanna soil my oats bro
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
