Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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