we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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