I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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