The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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