I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died