My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
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This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.