Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
