Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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