Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
