I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
