the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i now understand why vodka
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
