I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
