come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
