I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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