I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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