Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
