She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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