just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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