I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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