Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
