I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
