Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
