And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
