mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
