This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
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So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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