Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
