I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
