I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
