I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
