i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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