3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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