Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
