She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
