You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
