White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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