apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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