Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
