Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
