The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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