I heard we made out
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He did a backflip because drugs
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