batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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