Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
