Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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