The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
