We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
