I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
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it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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