wanna go halves on a baby?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
