we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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