Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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