This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
